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Allan. Boy. 'Nuff said.
18. JBHS Class of 2010.
University of Sydney.

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The Awesome.
Friday, November 6, 2009 @ 11:11 PM

WMP: -
Currently: Upset at shit
Mood: Moody ..

Okay just got back from tutor. Now my tutor is different from other tutors because its with my uncle and apart from the work that we do, we usually get distracted and talk about more practical things like life and its issues. Today was no different.

Usually we talk about the world and stuff, last week we talked about global warming and my uncle's theory of how it doesn't exist.

Anyways the point that I wanna get across is that today, we talked about me not working efficiently enough. As you all may know, my maths homework load is insane and as much as I wna complain, it wont go away so I'm not complaining about it. But somehow we started talking about uni and life after high school. He asked me what I wanted to do, I said I wasn't sure yet. He thinks that I haven't taken any initiative to seek that out, but how is it possible for me to find out something like that ? I mean there is only so much a book can tell you about a specific job, and even a careers adviser cant tell you everything right ? You gotta go and do the job to fully know what you like and what you don't like so you know which job is right for you. And you know what he says ? "Go do the job then" Yeah .. make it seem easy just because you don't have to do it ==" I said, its just not possible with all my maths homework. And so that prompted him to ask me how do I go about doing my homework, I told him "I gave up everything in life, outings, dating, sport, games, msn, practically my whole social life". My uncle says I'm making the wrong choice..

See, he thinks the key to being a better person and being more knowledgeable is to be constantly learning. He believes that sitting there for 8 hours straight doing homework will only deteriorate your mind's capacity to work under pressure and I should be doing other things to get my mind off things like work and chores. Now my uncle isn't one of your typical Asian parents, he understands more than them. He understood me when I felt the need to date, when I can't do certain things, why I feel like this, he understands them all. So don't get him mixed up.

But he still thinks that under the shitload of pressure that I got right now, I still have the capacity to do more, including work, parties, outings, sport etc. The whole lot. But he isn't the type you could say "I can't" to, because then he would just ask " have you tried it ?". Them types.

So we talked for more than 2 hours, and I guess thats why my friday tutor nights are so long, we spend 2 hours doing some work and then 2 hours talking about stuff. In a nutshell, he just related my inability to do all those things back to why I want to go uni. He asked me "why do you wanna go to uni ?" I gave him plenty of answers, none of them were the ones he was looking for.
To get a degree, to get a better job for a better life, to satisfy parents and myself, to learn about the things I'm interested in. All of them were invalid answers, he said "once you find what you want, everything will be easy. be more efficient otherwise you're wasting your time"

Now the sad thing is he reduced me to tears .. you may be thinking 0_0 WTF ? right now but my uncle is like the one person in my entire family who has the slightest bit of understanding of me, and its heart-breaking that even he thinks I'm full of shit. He was like a symbol of support, and now the truth comes out. I'm sure he is trying to help, but just knowing that he feels that way towards me really hurts.

I bet you guys wont look at me the same way anymore after reading all this, probably thinking I'm just a pussy and pathetic, unmanly or some fuck but the fact of matter is I'm very emotional about family business, I have feelings towards my parents and my family that probably very rare. Asian families have a massive generation gap, parents and kids don't tend to talk very much now. Parents hardly know anything about you, and you don't know much about them. I see this as very wrong, they're you're parents. Fuck, they were with you since you were born and they know more about politics than they know about you ? That's retarded shit, I want my parents to know me, I want them to be there, I want to be able to talk to them about anything, I don't wanna have to spend 3 years of my life to find a best friend to tell her shit I cant tell my parents. Its sad and pathetic when I think about it, I don't know whether you guys feel the same way but that's how I think. If you got a relationship with your parents, I envy you.

You guys may not know how much things I keep inside, waiting to be released but cant. I know bottling things up doesn't help but there is simply no one to talk to about it. Feelings about my parents and how I view my life can never be expressed to just anyone, they have to understand me and be able put up with the big sook that I am. I'm sorry Lyn, but I don't think even you would understand that part of me. Please don't take it too harshly but if we have the time, I'll let you have a shot =(

FUCK .. I don't even know why I'm posting this up, this blog thing is like a diary cept the only thing is that it isn't. Its fully public and anyone can read about it. But sometimes I feel like this is the only way for me to ventilate. Sometimes I don't know who I can rely on anymore, I cant talk to no one about anything, feeling slightly more emo every day. FUCK MY LIFE.
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